after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
