Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
