My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
