How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
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you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
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He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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