Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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