why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
