Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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