There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
