I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
