I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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