If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's blow job season.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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