Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
