you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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