Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
