If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
