Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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