apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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