Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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