i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
