dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
