dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
