You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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