it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
