The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
