Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My ATM looks so different sober.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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