3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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