I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
