I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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