I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Still dying that you shit outside
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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