I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
this hospital has no fireball
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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