I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
