I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
