it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
