guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
