If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
