you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
