Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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