why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
