What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
