I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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