Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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