Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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