if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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