I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.