the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
last night I used snow as a chaser
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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