I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
