I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
