i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
