also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
