you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
