A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
