You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
