so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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