woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Text me some of your sweat
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
