And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
