i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
